Another One of Self's Villains

Since you're yourself, you'll relate more to this story.

It may no longer be offensive to be called incapable. The world likely understands that self-deprecation is a reality. It aligns with the common illustration: when you point an accusing finger at someone else, the other fingers point back at you, suggesting you’re no different.

Today is not the day I discovered I could be my enemy; today, I finally came to terms with how I contributed to some of the setbacks I’ve experienced in life.

If you love sincerity, you’ll love the impact it provides when you embrace it.

If you’re good at something, it's often expected that you’re aware of it, and when people tell you, it serves as additional proof. Back when I was a freshman in university, I knew how brilliantly and admirably I wrote. You wouldn’t have expected that I would settle for the score I received. My lecturer doubted my project because it was too advanced, deeply intellectual, and exceptionally well-thought-out for an undergraduate—especially a freshman.

I don’t blame him for having high expectations of me, nor do I fault him for marking down my project because it was too good to have come from an 'inexperienced teenager' who seemed naïve and spoke little. Remember how I’m supposed to prove that one’s own self can become their undoing? I’m determined to prove that.

Because I didn’t speak up much—not due to any social disorder—I walked away feeling suppressed, and even more so when my coursemates, who knew and celebrated my writing prowess, watched me submit. While they put in effort to convince our tutor of their abilities, I let him underestimate my level of intellect without much resistance.

I graduated as one of the top students in my class, so this self-demeaning experience should have had no lasting consequence, right? Eventually, the lecturer became acquainted with my work and made me his favorite. He applauded, supported, and recommended my writing. He even reprimanded me for missing an opportunity that could have made me the best graduating Playwright Student of the 2018 Theatre Arts class—much to the disappointment of everyone who knew me.

Recognizing that you are your own jailer could be seen as another form of self-sabotage, but freedom often comes at a price—whether by pleading guilty or some other means. Many have gained their freedom through a difficult confession. Over time, I’ve seen self-doubt cripple me, bringing me to the lowest point on the scoreboard. Often, we can glimpse a way through the maze, but we choose to focus on the maze itself, finding it a mesmerizing spectacle that distracts us from escaping.

The fact remains that one day you’ll see what lies beyond the maze, but when you do will determine how relevant what you see is. If there’s another lesson to take from this narrative—besides how self-doubt can lead to our downfall—find solace in coming to terms with the ‘wrong’ you could have made ‘right.’ And if this story depicts you as someone with the talent, it’s a good moment to finally give yourself the credit you deserve.

I’d credit myself, saying, “I am still that good a writer.”